3 things not to do when people hurt you (and what to do instead)

Hello gorgeous,

First of all I want to wish you a great year 2016, may your dreams come true and with ease and flow!

I also want to thank you for staying with me and reading me every week (and even if you don’t read me every week I still love you!).

WIN A TRIP

Today I want to talk about what I think we should do and not do when people are acting and reacting in ways that disturb us and even hurt us. It can come from a friend saying things that we find unpleasant (that the same friend might not qualify as such and be unaware that we find them so), or not saying things we expect to hear…

It can be from a relative, it can be from children, who tend to have a mind of their own and show disagreement loud and clear when we do something they don’t like (like getting a new partner…), or from an ex who did not yet “digest” the break-up…

To me, the main thing we have to remember when something like that happens, is that it says more about them than about us… It’s their reaction; it is related to what’s going on in their head, and it can look very different from the reaction we would have to a similar event (and to what we would love to experience too!)

That being said, what might still be difficult to us, and what we should not do, is the following:

  1. Do not take it personally. Again, it’s not about you, it just means this person might be an egocentric and only care about him/herself. Or maybe he or she is jealous and taking it up on you. Or maybe he or she is having a bad day… Whatever the reason behind the reaction, again it is their reaction, their reality, not yours.
  2. Do not feel guilty. I know this might be very difficult as well, when your kid tells you he hates you because your brought somebody home, or because you let somebody use you or disrespect you, or because somebody is upset and you wonder what you might have done that caused his or her reaction. Feeling guilty is not going to help you process this any further, it will just hinder you.
  3. Do not let it spoil your experience. If you stay stuck in this “event” that just happened and re-live it time after time again, you are spoiling the present moment. And the present moment is always all that you have and it is there for you to enjoy it. So, if you brought home your new partner and your kid is upset, will you let that spoil the moment you have? If you just had a date that did not turn out as you would have liked, will you let that spoil the party that you have in a few hours? I think you shouldn’t…

What should you do instead?

  1. By all means, look for the lesson. Is it possible that you did not state clearly enough what you wanted? Or that you did not assert yourself enough? Or that your kid needs stronger limits to be set? Or that you might expect too much from others? If the situation keeps coming back to you, it simply means there is still something for you to learn and grow, try to find it!
  2. Forgive. Yes you heard me all right. What’s the point in getting upset about somebody else’s attitude (once you understood the lesson that is!)? Forgive is not the same as forget, it just means you are able to let go of this specific hurt you just experienced, and move on to something else, to something better. Resentment is only polluting your system, not theirs…

Now, I did not say all of that was easy, don’t get me wrong… I am simply trying to give you an alternative route you can take to feel better, and I hope you will take it when it happens to you. And if you need my help in dealing with this any further, I am right there!

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