3 things not to do when people hurt you (and what to do instead)

Hello gorgeous,

First of all I want to wish you a great year 2016, may your dreams come true and with ease and flow!

I also want to thank you for staying with me and reading me every week (and even if you don’t read me every week I still love you!).

WIN A TRIP

Today I want to talk about what I think we should do and not do when people are acting and reacting in ways that disturb us and even hurt us. It can come from a friend saying things that we find unpleasant (that the same friend might not qualify as such and be unaware that we find them so), or not saying things we expect to hear…

It can be from a relative, it can be from children, who tend to have a mind of their own and show disagreement loud and clear when we do something they don’t like (like getting a new partner…), or from an ex who did not yet “digest” the break-up…

To me, the main thing we have to remember when something like that happens, is that it says more about them than about us… It’s their reaction; it is related to what’s going on in their head, and it can look very different from the reaction we would have to a similar event (and to what we would love to experience too!)

That being said, what might still be difficult to us, and what we should not do, is the following:

  1. Do not take it personally. Again, it’s not about you, it just means this person might be an egocentric and only care about him/herself. Or maybe he or she is jealous and taking it up on you. Or maybe he or she is having a bad day… Whatever the reason behind the reaction, again it is their reaction, their reality, not yours.
  2. Do not feel guilty. I know this might be very difficult as well, when your kid tells you he hates you because your brought somebody home, or because you let somebody use you or disrespect you, or because somebody is upset and you wonder what you might have done that caused his or her reaction. Feeling guilty is not going to help you process this any further, it will just hinder you.
  3. Do not let it spoil your experience. If you stay stuck in this “event” that just happened and re-live it time after time again, you are spoiling the present moment. And the present moment is always all that you have and it is there for you to enjoy it. So, if you brought home your new partner and your kid is upset, will you let that spoil the moment you have? If you just had a date that did not turn out as you would have liked, will you let that spoil the party that you have in a few hours? I think you shouldn’t…

What should you do instead?

  1. By all means, look for the lesson. Is it possible that you did not state clearly enough what you wanted? Or that you did not assert yourself enough? Or that your kid needs stronger limits to be set? Or that you might expect too much from others? If the situation keeps coming back to you, it simply means there is still something for you to learn and grow, try to find it!
  2. Forgive. Yes you heard me all right. What’s the point in getting upset about somebody else’s attitude (once you understood the lesson that is!)? Forgive is not the same as forget, it just means you are able to let go of this specific hurt you just experienced, and move on to something else, to something better. Resentment is only polluting your system, not theirs…

Now, I did not say all of that was easy, don’t get me wrong… I am simply trying to give you an alternative route you can take to feel better, and I hope you will take it when it happens to you. And if you need my help in dealing with this any further, I am right there!

My 5 steps to process a rejection

Hello gorgeous,

This week I have been confronted to different types of rejection, that I had to process, slowly but surely, in order to get my usual self back. I had an interview for a part-time job and after a few days the answer was a No; I also got a No from a girlfriend to come to my next women circle.

I think it took me a few days to process it (specially the first one!). And luckily I also experienced good surprises this week, such as an unexpected gift coming via the post and nice messages from my girlfriends. Plus it was the Xmas week so that’s always good! 😉

But that made me think about how best to process any kind of rejection. As your mind can say something that will sound good, like “it’s not about you, it’s about the fit with the job/ it’s about her path, not yours / it says nothing about you…” But, deep down, it is difficult not to take it personally, and your heart will still feel hurt and pained…

So what are the steps that I took to finally get over those?

  1. Accept the pain, do not reject or deny it.
  2. Ask yourself what it is that you need, do you need to process it with someone for instance? I had the opportunity to do that, I was on Skype with a colleague and girlfriend, and our plan was to look forward to next year and revisit our Be Do Have list. So when I asked myself what did my heart want at the time, I felt a stronger push to do what we had planned, and not to process the rejection. But if it had been the other way around, I would have asked her to do just that. The point here is to check with yourself as often as possible about what it is that you need to feel good (or better!) and then do just that, in the moment.
  3. After our exercise, and looking forward (and backwards a bit too, to see what we had accomplished!), I felt much better, I could feel that my energy had shifted already, just by being busy with positive things.
  4. Receiving support from my girlfriends was also a great help. Knowing that they cared about my well-being. The message that I still remember was: “It’s not that you are not good enough for the job, you are too good for it” (thanks Em!!!)
  5. The last step was about letting go and trusting that it would all be ok eventually, whatever happens. Trusting myself and my future. Trusting the Universe.

Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something betterAre you taking similar steps when that happens to you as well? I would love to know if it resonates, and if you have more tips I would welcome those too!

In France it’s still too early to wish you a great year, but at least I want to wish you a great ending of 2015, I already did an accomplishment list (came up with 21 items!) and I suggest you do the same, you will be amazed at how many things you accomplished in a year!

Kindness is… Giving yourself a break!

Hello gorgeous,

Do you ever get overwhelmed by how much you want to do? And by the fact that you are not managing as much as you as you want…? And do you then feel guilty for not managing? And does your self-worth go down at the same time?

Do you ever get an overdose of self-development, when you feel there is so much moving in you, so many emotions surfacing, that what you really want to have now is some time off from it? Some quiet time just for a while?

Do you ever wake up and are not able to fall asleep again because your mind is already racing and processing all those things that keep you busy? Or do you have difficulties to feel asleep because it feels difficult to slow down your mind?

Well, personally I do, I am guilty of all of those… Today, it’s a mixture of too many things to do and too much inner work for instance that brings me in overwhelm.

So what’s the solution? What are the options? Let me try to give you some ideas here.

  • When I get overwhelmed by a growing to-do list, it’s time for me to take a step back and get a helicopter view of the situation. What works for me then is to draw a mind map with all the topics first (work, family, administration, whatever topics are keeping you busy) and then all the details (prepare flyer, invite people, write blog post… etc.). When all is mapped, then it’s time to review the priorities and decide what goes first and what will wait until tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. And then take action, and strike it through (makes you feel good to do that, doesn’t it?)
  • When I get overwhelmed by an overdose of personal growth, there as well I take a step back, in order to integrate what I just learned or to process what just happened, what I discovered about myself, before I can get back on the saddle again. I take it easy and do not force anything then, I try to relax and be gentle with myself.
  • When I start having difficulties falling asleep or falling back asleep, it’s sign that I have been worrying too much. In that case, either I can do something about it so that I can stop the worrying, or there’s not really anything that I can do about it, then the only thing I can do is to relax about it. Meditation is then a great tool as it helps the mind to relax (at least a bit!). The other practices I use are using affirmations as mantras, in order to practice mostly trust and faith.
  • But most of all, I need to give myself a break! That is also being kind to myself and not pushing myself over the edge, respecting my limits and my needs.

Be Gentle With Yourself. You Are A Child Of The Universe, No Less Than The Trees And The Stars. In The Noisy Confusion Of Life, Keep Peace In Your Soul.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have other strategies you can share, to help others deal with those issues!

I wish you a wonderful week!

Who’s your person?

Hello gorgeous,

This line comes from Grey’s Anatomy, that I enjoyed watching when I was in The Netherlands. But not in French… and unfortunately here in France everything is dubbed!

I had a bad night and woke up all shaky and I could not stop crying for a while. Although really I wanted to, as I hate for people (my kids for that matter) to see me like that. And I had to think about my own support group, who’s my person? Who can I count on when I am feeling down, to cheer me up?

And as I was thinking about my close friends, what hit me was that I did not want to ask for help. I could clearly hear my limiting beliefs about that, such as: You can’t complain, complaining is bad, I don’t want people to see me like that, I don’t want to bother them with my issues…

So what did I do? I set my intention for today to accept my sadness and to use it positively. As feeling the pain is what – unfortunately – brings us the most learning, and I am still clearly determined to learn and grow a lot more, and to continuously work on my mindset. I cheered up a bit after the emails coming in from my friends who had just received my Monday’s mail and the text messages I received this morning. I admitted to my friends I was not feeling very well today, and I accepted a cup of tea from a dear friend.

So that makes me realize too I have still a lot of work to do in order to be able to ask for help when I need it. Like many (I guess), I wish people would just pick up on my vibes and cheer me up without me asking J. And yes, I know, I am advising you to ask for help when you need. We always say that you teach what you need to learn and I am once again the perfect example of that! And I accept my perfect imperfection and my need and I want to grow into a better version of myself!

This also gives me confirmation that what I am planning to set up soon, that is regular Women’s Circles, is a good idea. It is something I feel I need and I feel I am not alone. I wish for a community of women, I wish for a place to share and to heal our wounds, for a place to help each other, understand, be compassionate of each other’s stories, wounds and paths. A place to let yourself go, shout and cry if necessary, dance and sing if you want to, a place where all is allowed and we all support each other.

But for now, what I want to leave you with is the following:

  • We are a work in progress, and as long as there is progress to make, it means we are alive!
  • It’s ok to feel bad, it is also simply life happening, and we should not push it away, but recognize what it is about and see how we can use it to grow further
  • Even if it feels difficult to ask, our family and friends are there for us as we are there for them, so we should swallow our pride and ask for their help.

So, who is your person? Who are your people? Let them know you love them and you are there for them!

Who's your person?

I wish you a wonderful week!

Treat yourself how you would like to be treated

Hello gorgeous,

There’s this famous saying that goes: “ Treat others how you would like to be treated”. Well, of course I agree with that ;-), but my point here is that you need to treat yourself well if you want other people to do the same. Otherwise, how could they know how you want to be treated?

Let me elaborate… If you want people to respect your boundaries, you need to set them and to respect them yourself first!

For instance, if you are an entrepreneur, and letting people bargain your price, or not being able to state it firmly, people will feel it and not pay you the price you asked for, bargain even more etc.

If you are a mom and you are trying to educate your kid(s), then you need to really lead by example, because otherwise they will notice your hesitation, find the smallest crack and use it against you (they don’t need to be evil to act like that, just kids 😉

Equally, if you want people to treat you like a queen, then you need to treat yourself like a queen. Whatever that means to you: buying yourself flowers every week, dressing well, taking care of yourself and your health, your look, etc..

Treat yourself how you want to be treated

Got my point? So, what is it that you are not getting from others? If it’s respect, chances are that you are letting people walk over you because you are not respecting yourself enough (or your work). If it’s love, start giving yourself more love (and while you’re at it, why not give more to others?). If it’s compliments, give yourself compliments when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning (and mean them ;-). Whatever it is, give it to yourself, you deserve it. Moreover, don’t they say: “if you want something done right, do it yourself” 😉

So start right there, and start now. Isn’t Now is the only moment we have, right? 😉

I wish you a wonderful week!

Back to school / Back to work!

Hello gorgeous,

Even though not all of us went on holidays this summer, September is always giving us that feeling of going back to school. Although we were mostly happy to see our friends again, we would also have liked to stay in holidays enjoying our free time… the usual dilemma.

We might be grown up now, but going back to work might still seem a difficult step to take and we would really like to stay longer on holidays… So the question is then: how do you get back in the mood?

backtoschoolOne of my strategies, which I advise against, is to never really stop working… But then, I also don’t regenerate and never get to fill up my big energy tank for the year ahead… And one of my excuses / reasons for doing that is that I have difficulties to start again after a long break. Obviously, a better strategy is to take a real break when possible, and definitely longer than a week to have enough time to really relax and regenerate!

My big tip for you, to make the transition easier, is to first reconnect to your (big) why.

Why do you find yourself going back to school? To finish a study you never got round to complete? To retrain, so that you can make a career change? To learn a new language?

Why do you go back to work? Behind the obvious “I need to earn money”, my question is: why are you doing that kind of work? What excites you in what you are doing? What’s your bigger motivation? Helping people? Healing people? Bringing more beauty into the world? Expressing your unique gifts? Making people beautiful?

I believe deep down we are all looking for that thing that brings us happiness, that makes our heart sing, that we would want to do even if it wasn’t for money, just because we love it. So what is it for you?

Unless earning money is the only reason for doing it. If it feels enough, then great. You shouldn’t have difficulties to go back to it anyway. If it doesn’t, then it’s another story of course, and thinking of a career change is an obvious option, but another quicker and simpler idea is to look at what you are doing and think about how you can make it more interesting, more fulfilling. Is it by looking at the bigger picture; is it by adding some ingredients to the mix, is it also maybe by simply feeling grateful for it as it brings you money? Even if it’s just temporary, as you will explore that career change further down the road, I believe that by looking at your job with different lenses will also help you make your return to work easier!

I wish you a wonderful week!

Self-Care

Hello gorgeous,

You might be wondering why I picked this as a topic. Some time ago, I would not even have considered an email that would have that as a title, thinking: I am taking care of myself, I don’t need anybody to tell me how to take care of myself….

Well, I am not going to tell you how to do that (well, maybe a bit then) but especially I want to tell you how important it is to take care of yourself.

You see, we are wired to take care of people. Specially us, women… Sorry guys, but you might still recognize yourselves 😉 We take care of our kids, our spouse, our parents, and sometimes all of them at the same time! And some of us are also wired to please people, like taking care is not enough, we have to go even further…

But the thing is, by doing that, we forget ourselves, and we forget that we can only take good care of others when we first take good care of ourselves. How good are we with our kids when we are exhausted? I know that I tend to cry, to get upset easily and to shout a lot more easily when I am tired, for instance… That’s even when I recognize I have been too far and I need to take a step back! And relax, do less, sleep more etc. (plus, with the heat wave here, it’s a good reason to slow down!)

But I also realized I have a blockage to doing less (and even more so to doing nothing!). That is, I am afraid that if I stop doing things (and take real holidays for instance, where I disconnect from FB, emails etc), I will completely loose all motivation and it will be difficult to start again after the holidays. Talk about limiting beliefs 😉 …

So, knowing all that… I negotiate with myself (and with my hubby who wants me to stop too), and I am very conscious of the things I say Yes to and the things I say No too. So for instance when I get the chance I have a nap in the afternoon – even 15 min – even if I don’t sleep, just for the sake of doing nothing for a while. I book quality time with a friend for a tea together. I can also decide to not take another appointment when I feel I have enough on my plate.

The key here for me is to accept that you come first, and to check in with yourself every time, so that each Yes and each No are exactly the right thing to do at that time. And to be proud of yourself (and even to celebrate) for taking good care of yourself. Do you think you can do that?

I wish you a wonderful week!

“It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary.” – Mandy Hale

Motivation is an inside job!

Hello gorgeous,

I got inspired to day to write about motivation. Where do you get it from, what if you loose it? How do you get it back? And I don’t think it’s any different if it’s about going to work in the morning, going on developing your business so that it finally takes off, taking that really important decision, or simply getting up sometimes.

The question is: what drives us, what moves us, what do we stand for? Some years ago (14 to be precise), I was in an unsatisfying relationship. Nothing wrong with him, a really good guy, but I was not happy with him. It took me a lot of introspection and some good conversations before I came to the conclusion that I had to end the relationship. I remember it clearly, as if it was yesterday, I said to myself: “I choose Happiness. Maybe I won’t meet anybody soon, and maybe I won’t have kids, but I take this risk for the sake of finding happiness”. That’s what drove me back then.

I also remember feeling demotivated when it seemed to me I was getting nowhere with my business, and what flipped it for me at that time was to reconnect to my big Why. Actually I think there’s more than one Why 😉 There’s why I do this work (which feels so joyful that it does not feel like work!), why am I here with the girls while my husband is spending most of his time away from us… Simply reconnecting to my answers gives me the inside drive, spark that I need to go on with my life.

So my question to you today is the following:

What are your big Why(s)? Why are you doing this work? Why are you living where you are living? Why are you in this relationship (or why did you stop it)?

At the end of the day, it’s about what brings you joy, as Joy is the ultimate purpose of life…

I wish you a wonderful week!

Theme of the week

Hello gorgeous!

I recently had the idea that I should start sending Monday morning motivation emails to my tribe, so I decided to act on it right away!

This is my first one… I hope you will like the idea of receiving every Monday morning a positive email in your inbox, short and sweet, not too long, which should start you off right for the week ahead. If you don’t, it’s ok, just unsubscribe and you will stop receiving them. And if you do like it, I will be thrilled!!!

Today’s email is about picking up the theme of the week. Some of you might be familiar with making a mood board or a dream board at the beginning of the year, to imagine how their dream year looks like. This is a bit the same, but for the week ahead. Imagine you get to choose how you week is going to unfold. Pick that first (positive) word that comes to your mind. What do you pick then?

Say you pick Freedom for instance. What can you do during the week, to bring more of that feeling into your week, to feel freer? Is it taking more time to do nothing and sit outside with a drink? Is it maybe going out with a friend? Is it planning your next holidays? Whatever it is that will bring that feeling to you, just do it this week!

Another example, say you pick Dance. That is really an easy one, right? Just make sure you have your favorite song easily accessible on your phone, or spotify, deezer, whatever you are using to listen to music, and put it on, at least once a day, and dance like nobody is watching (and maybe it’s better that nobody’s watching anyway so you can let yourself go!). You can also plan to go dancing of course, of finally call for a free try of that pole dancing class you have been meaning to take, or belly dancing etc. You get the picture, right? 😉

Thanks for reading and have a wonderful week!!!